I feel like I’ve just made it through one of the more emotionally stressful times of my life as of late. I feel like my husband & me are speaking the same language…figuratively not literally (If you’ve never read my writing be aware there is plenty of self deprecating humour to keep the mood light, and plenty of errors for those who learned better in school).
Things are great. But apparently the emotional toll of last year is still lingering and my health has taken a bit of a turn for the worse. I’m not in danger of dying. But I am experiencing chronic pain, that seems to be exacerbated by my arthritis. I find myself unable to do anything for me: working out, yoga, writing, reading, breathing.
You may be reading this thinking, “Well what the hell are you waiting for, go do something already?” That sounds very simple, and I wish I was there. In that headspace. But I am not yet. When I do things I genuinely love I am not ‘feeling it’. You know that awesome feeling you get when you do what you love? Ya, thats not there anymore. Or rather…its just not there right now.
I’ve done and will continue to do my due diligence. I am meeting with a therapist (to be perfectly honest I’m not sure if they are a psychiatrist or psychologist). Meeting with multiple specialists/GP’s/Doctors for the pain. And I also recognise -sidenote there will be Australian spelling on this site- that if I start doing some of the things I love, even if it feels mechanical in the beginning, it will only help me get back in my groove to where I want to be.
I decided to start this blog because I accidentally erased my archived ‘old’ website. Unfortunately I didn’t save it to my Google Drive, and when I wiped my Mac clean of everything/anything ‘The Wandering Yogini’ archives disappeared from my life forever. Four years of writing, recipes, videos, musing all gone. Instead of getting real down in the dumps, it kinda started a bit of a fire under my ass to get a new website going. Something I could look back at one day. Something I could read with my Kid(s). Something to see how much I’ve changed/grown/not grown over the years.
So with that I’ll start my musings…….
I wanted to muse a bit today about something I’m going through, that I’ve been through many times before: Starting over.
At one point in my life I am pretty sure I was addicted to starting over. Or maybe ‘starting over’ just lost its true meaning for me. Every time I’d mess up I would hit ‘rock bottom’ and then promise myself I would start fresh and new the next day. This happened a lot in high school. And then gradually began to happen less and less the older I got.
When I was younger I was pretty much a hot mess. I didn’t know where I was going in life. My brain was all over the place, and I was carrying around a lot of shame/sadness/anger that I didn’t know how to manage. Those three sentences make the whole ordeal sound tidy ‘n’ neat. But it wasn’t. It was ugly. And, to be honest, no one could have ‘saved me’ from that. I didn’t have horrible parents. I didn’t have horrible friends. But I didn’t know how to manage my emotions and thoughts in a healthy way. I acted out in ways that hurt me, and those closest to me. In order to cover up things that truly embarrassed me I would lie hoping that they would be angry/upset/sad with this fake me, all the while keeping the true me secret and safe and broken.
As I got older I got better at ‘starting over.’ Namely I started actually owning who I was. Even the really ugly stuff that made my face cringe when I thought about it. And you know what? I slowly started becoming a better person. I can’t put enough emphasis on slowly. I’d say I didn’t become the person I am proud of today until about 2 years ago.
Even now though when times get really really rough I do shut down. I do close myself off from the world. But I no longer do things that hurt me. Which is progress. I’ve also gotten better about telling people that I’m going through a time where I can’t be there for them. And I have learned that I not only have the best friends but some of the best people in my life.
So what helped me become better at ‘Starting Over’?
- I own who I am: I have no problem saying ‘yep I haven’t worked out in a week’ or ‘I drank a bottle of wine last night’ or ‘I have cried every day for the past two weeks.’ I own the me who I am right now. And since I’ve made a lot of changes in my life, I never feel like I’m tied down to ‘who I am right now’ forever. I know people are creatures of habit, but we are also remarkable thoughtful beings. Change and progress mark humanity and make it great. You should never feel like you are just broken and you will never move out of that space. Trust me.
- I am lucky: What I mean by this is I am a white woman, who grew up with a financially stable household, was exposed to top notch education/world experiences from a young age, and I have never found myself ‘without options’ largely due to the demographic I was born into. I bring this topic up not to make someone who doesn’t fall in this demographic feel hopeless, but to also shed some realty on the situation. There are a lot of young, white, privileged, women in this world blogging about ‘Love & Light’ and ‘If you want it enough you can have it.’ Which is complete bullshit. And if you agree with me on any of these points join me in the work I do to help spark change so this isn’t always the case (I’ll post about this here as I start to build up my site).
- Forgive even if you can’t forget: I’ve made peace with a large part of my past. There are still moments that resurface during times of stress. But I am able to rationalise these thoughts. I’ve fucked up. Big time before. And nothing will change that. However if I wallow in that sadness/shame/anger I will shut down. Which makes me a ghost of a person. If I make peace with my past behaviour I can move on and become a functional person that makes positive changes in this world. And thats what this world needs. Positive changes.
- Remain open minded: I remind myself, each time I fall down that it’ll happen again. I won’t be riding high on the wave of life all the time. And thats ok. I also try to remind myself that life will look different the older I get. The things I need will change. The things I can do will change. The things that matter will change. So the more open minded I can be the more likely I will be able to keep on keeping on.
These are just a few of the things that keep me sailing onward and upward – or at least forward – every time I hit a bump in the road. Apologies for the ‘all over the place’ writing. I haven’t written in almost a year, and I’m not quite in the flow of things yet. I know that in good time my writing will have a purpose/flow/style once more. And I’m happy to be sharing my musings, recipes, yoga, and life with you once more.
Much Luv, Laters