I’m pregnant. Phew….there I said it. It feels good to get that off my chest – I finally needed to say something. This pregnancy hasn’t been all beauty, and divine female goddess energy. I’ve been scared. And I’m sick of feeling that way.
For those of you who know me, you may know that I had a miscarriage several years ago when I was living in DC. I had what they call a ‘missed miscarriage’ where the foetus stops developing and you experience a chemical pregnancy until your body passes everything like a very heavy period. It shook me. I was young and very healthy and felt invincible. That experience made me feel very human to say the least.
About 2 months ago though I was also pregnant. I called my husband – we got emotional and excited. Then three days later I miscarried. It was very early and if I hadn’t been pregnant before I probably wouldn’t have even noticed it. I was traveling back and forth between the US and Australia – and no I’m not trying to make excuses or make sense of why it happened, but it did. I know it wasn’t my fault. I know something wasn’t ‘quite right’ and thats why it didn’t work out. But again this experience shook me. It made me second guess my intuition. It made me question my ability to carry a pregnancy to term. I mean getting pregnant is one thing – having a baby is quite another.
Fast forward to now – I’m pregnant again. On August 26th I got another positive pregnancy test. But something changed. I didn’t feel excited. I felt scared and anxious. Every cramp, every twinge made me feel like it was all over. It still does. I went to the hospital one week after finding out I was pregnant, fighting back tears the whole time, telling them that I was pretty sure I was going to miscarry and I just wanted to get checked out. My hcg was 30. It didn’t look good. I resigned myself to the idea that this too wasn’t going to work out, and that maybe we needed to wait until my husband could work too so I wouldn’t have to be the only working spouse, and recovering spouse all in one body. I went back two days later for another blood draw and my hcg had surged to 100 – the doctor looked at us and said, “Great news everything is fine go schedule your first scan and blood draw with your GP.” My husband told me I was shaking at this point and he’d never seen me so happy.
But I know that the doctors words of encouragement were just that – words of encouragement. I’ve been catching myself holding my breath. Over analysing. Playing out ‘worse case scenarios’ in my head. Watching YouTube videos of women who have experienced miscarriage or difficult pregnancies – sobbing my eyes out the whole time. Isolating myself. And this is simply because of social norms that I’ve felt the need to bind myself to. Women are told not to tell anyone about pregnancy until after the first trimester. We are supposed to either hide this amazing life event to ourselves or mourn in secret when it doesn’t work out. It sucks. And I’m over it.
I’m pregnant. I don’t know if it is going to work out this time. But I want to be excited about this. I want to feel like I’m living and not waiting. I want to enjoy this process instead of hoping it works out the whole time. If you know me or my husband you don’t have to go out of your way to congratulate us or anything. Just know that we are excited about something that has a lot of uncertainty attached to it. Whatever happens it is going to be ok – but we don’t wanna walk on eggshells anymore. I am ready to be pregnant.